Why "not caring about other's opinion" doesn't work...

Listen to the audio version of this love letter:

Hey everyone, long time no see :)

Since August is around the corner, let’s talk about…body image challenges.

(Sometimes I can be pretty basic too 😂)

If your vacation includes some kind of swimming, there’s a chance your mean inner voices didn’t stay at home. That includes comments on your weight, your breasts, your skin, your hair, your face…and everything else.

Raise your hand if the SM dungeon of your mind goes wild when you put on your bathing suit, arrive at the beach, get out of the water, go for a walk, lie down for a sun bath, see people’s eyes when you get an ice cream…or just have a look around and feel people are judging (hint : usually, they don’t care, but I’m sure you know that already, and yet you still feel that way)

And if you’re not, awesome, continue doing that, but keep reading, that applies when you’re not on vacation too 😈

If you’re like me, when you share that with a loved one, you will usually get a very useful piece of advice : « just stop caring about what other people think ».

(I looooove getting « wisdom » my brain already knows and still have no idea how to apply it. Side note: it sucks, because it makes me feel inadequate, failing, stupid because how-come-you-cannot-figure-this-out-it’s-not-that-complicated. As if I didn’t have enough of that already 🤣)

Here’s a secret… you’re smart being, your brain has already figured out people rarely care about you, they’re so busy being in their minds and living their own lives.

(I had a French history teacher in high school who said most people have one thought « let’s talk about me, it’s the only thing I care about ». Good point 🤣)

So it’s not a question of not knowing you shouldn’t care. You already know that.

It’s a question of having stored into your body a personal combo of your own personal history, your family history and living in a patriarcal society (🤮).

You’re living in a body that has integrated thousands of comments like « Black makes you look thinner », « Shorts don’t look good on fat people », « That dress is too short, go dress appropriately » or “you’re not hot if you don’t have big breasts…”. Living in a body that has been bombarded with images of marketing-friendly bodies repesenting 2% of the population (yes things are getting better. And yes, we’re not done because we’re surprised when we see something inclusive). Living in a body constantly getting comments and concerns, even if it comes from a well-intended « but I care about you ».

Add to the mix a few humiliating situations from high school (whether they were related to your body or not) or a dumb ex making comments about you because they were insecure in their own skin.

And you want your beautiful mind which sometimes cannot decide what to cook for diner to fight all of that ?

So what do we do ?

I’m not going to list all of the different types of professional therapy (I’m a family doctor and self-love & pleasure activist, not a psychiatrist). But what I do know is that usually, working with your body works, just like EMDR uses your eye movements 😏

There are several things we can do to process what’s stuck: physical activity (any type of movement…), deep breathing, positive social interactions, kindness, laughter, a good cry, creative expression (I borrowed this amazing list from a life-changing book, I’ll give you the details below).

There’s one thing I love, the twenty-seconds hug and six-second kiss. Why ? Because it releases ocytocin. The love/arousal/kindness/intimacy hormone. Overall, it just helps you feel good.

And you know what helps you feel good too? Pleasure 😏 That’s my add to the previous list. So why not?

But back to the point, who do you think who will win between a body crafted through 2.8 million years of evolution or an amazing mind that has decision paralysis in front of Netflix?

That’s why « don’t care about other’s opinions » doesn’t work. Because it only uses your mind. And you need your body with you.

You can’t change your mind if you don’t feel safe in your body (you’re not going to « stop and enjoy the moment » when you’re chased by a lion 🤣). And pleasure expands your inner safety.

When you feel safe, you suddenly feel sorry for that jerk making comments because… his life probably sucks real hard… You know you can wear bright colors and be elegant & sexy… Or own that no, you won’t get back to your boring job, because it drains your soul (although, let’s be honest, some elements of this list might take longer than others 🤣)

How does that sound?

And here’s another secret. You can start the journey easily, because your body is here for you, even if you have been disconnected for a while or have wanted to « not care about people’s opinion » for months/years.

The best way to do so is to reignite your senses. And you can start that with touch, with a 5-minutes-chocolate-date, with self-touch, having a 5 senses awakening ritual…

And if you don’t know where to start, you can read my free ebook Essence here. Or re-read it because if you’re like me, if you read a book only once, you almost don’t remember what’s in it 🤣.

Take care and enjoy your August, I’ll be back soon with food for thoughts and podcast episodes.

Much love

Fanny

PS : Here are a few episodes of Your Sexyfied Life you will enjoy, just in case you’re bored 🤣 You can find the SM dungeon of your mind and its architects, why pleasure should be your new best friend, what’s aliveness… or find them all here. And you can click here if you want to read other blogposts.

PS : And if you would prefer to read, I have 2 book recommendations : « Burnout » from Emily and Amelia Nagoski (life-changing and fun) and « The body keeps the score » from Bessen Van Der Kolk (life-changing but requiring an ready-and-awake brain 🤣)